You will always be my most favourite “what if” {YOUR BIRTH ✨ Journal Entry 5}

I woke up on the 27th of August 2018
And started my day like I would any other ... Chase running into us with the biggest smile on his face and jumping in our bed for cuddles.

I held onto him a little tighter on this morning and had tears running down my face . He said to me you alright mama? It’s a beautiful day! 

And he was right it was going to be a beautiful day, we were about to meet our angel baby and get the closure that we truly needed… 

It absolutely broke my heart that I would be returning home without her but my husband helped me with my mindset from the second we woke up and I felt really prepared for it from using all of my hypnobirthing techniques.

I gave Chase and my little sister patrice a big hug goodbye - reassuring them that I would be home in time to tuck Chase into bed . And I hopped in to the car with who Ty calls my birthing dream team (which I agree) - him & my mum. 

When arriving to the hospital I had to go straight to admissions before getting my file and told to go to “Ward 6” the ward you go to to be induced to terminate your baby - wow this was so much to process… 

A huge amount of anxiety took over - so I asked my mum and Ty to wait here and I stepped back outside to take a few deep breaths…

Walked straight back in and said Let’s do this! 

I was greeted by my beautiful nurse, a psychologist and the pastoral care team. The support really was phenomenal. 

For those that know me know I’m very nervous of hospitals and I also have white coat syndrome. I see a blood pressure machine or any machinery and oh my - my heart rate is off the ricta  I had planned for a home birth this time round! 

So she asked if she could give me a Valium - I had never had one of these before, but my mum, Ty and big sister Monique told me that I should. 

It was amazing - haha … it helped me stay super calm in those initial stages. I knew  that once I was left alone to do what I needed to do, that I would be absolutely fine

The nurse started to tell me all about the procedure... I zoned out for most of it, as I think hearing all of that “stuff” just makes it sound scary, when I needed it to be beautiful…

But it sounded something like this… the birth can take anywhere from 6 - 48 hours. And you can have anything from panadol to morphine.

I chose to treat Gigi’s birth how I treated Chases. Trusting my body, remaining as relaxed and open as possible and connecting within. I believe giving birth is a real spiritual endeavour and after all I felt like we deserved to have our very own precious “birth story” too.

So from the second I got induced I went into my birth bubble. I listened to my beautiful birth songs, I let my tears flow the whole entire time, I remained extremely calm and open and most of all I felt her sweet soul buzzing around me. This was a huge part of my preparation. I knew that if I hadn’t of said goodbye to her 2 days prior when I had to take the drug that stopped her placenta from functioning than my birth would have been extremely painful. As it makes sense right, trying to let go of something that your not ready to let go of can result in physical pain.

So my tears on that day weren’t from saying goodbye to her. They were from accepting she was gone and now my angel by my side.

An hour from induction I could literally feel her moving lower and lower, I got my mum, Ty and sister to feel this because it was just incredible. 

Three hours post induction Gigi's song randomly came on, I couldn’t believe it…I burst out crying and in that exact same moment my waters broke. I felt this immense feeling of peace and I knew I was only minutes away from birthing our angel baby. 

It was at this time that I had the honor to stand at the doorway in which life and death passes.

Ty took my ear phones out and asked if I was okay. "I said Ty im about to birth her”

He leant in to kiss and hold me. He grabbed my face, looked into my eyes and he said Juss I am so fucken’ proud of you. 

I told my mum and sister to go and get the nurse.

They all looked back at me and said Juss its only been three hours since you were induced. And I just smiled back. Bceuase I knew that this was exactly how our little birth was going to be. Fast, peaceful and pain free physically. 

The midwife walked in, in complete disbelief. She asked me to push and she came straight out.

Ty quickly said “do you mind if I cut her umbilical cord” my heart literally exploded and I honestly think I fell even more in love with him hearing him ask this.

20 minutes after I birthed the placenta with no problems ( this can be the tricky part, especially with pre term births)  

We held her, we cried and we smiled. 

I had to be monitored for 6 hours after, so that gave us a lot of time to be with her, which was extremely special and healing for me. 

And then hand in hand with my husband we walked out of those hospital doors with out her but together completely different people. Grateful for how much her precious little soul had taught us. 

She really was the sweetest little gift to us and we will forever be grateful for her and the depth of love that she has taught us. I feel so blessed to have known her and even more blessed that she chose me to be her mama. 

We returned home - and yep you guessed it ;)

just in time for me to tuck Chase into bed. I shared an extra special story with him that night... How his baby sister was safe in the stars and how lucky we were to have our very own angel watching over us forever. 

Our Birth was the most heartbreakingly beautiful moment of my life and it truly reiterated to me just how spiritual birth can be. I have never felt so connected.

We love you always and forever our precious spirit baby. 

*I can’t thank my mum enough for snapping these photos for me. It wasn’t until a few weeks later we realised that they were live and she had infact captured some very raw and precious moments that I will treasure forever. Chase still asks me every single day to watch this video.

*The support from King Edward Memorial Hospital Perth was absolutely incredible through out the whole entire process and I will forever be thankful.